Judging a Porn By Its Cover

Pubert: In honor of the upcoming leather weekend, I picked out a leather video to watch.

Lemony: Ol' blue eyes on the back cover... these are white boys gone wild.

Climb inside the mind of a drag queen researcher driven mad by watching too much porn for her studies. A very out of control lady in a straight jacket is strapped to a table for examination.

L: Oh my gosh, the assistant just maced her to get her to calm down!

P: She looks like Ricki Lake in Hairspray. What if I go crazy like this from watching too much porn?

L: They're using big words like 'exploring her cortex.' You never hear that in this type of movie.

P: Exploring her colon is more like it. They're taking us on a one-way trip through her brain.

Which leads us to the first scene between some 'straight' baseball players fresh from a game.

L: Do you see his penis growing?

P: Yeah, I see his bat. Someone just hit a double on the baseball field.

L: The coach doesn't look too much older than the players.

P: The guys look beat up; that black eye looks real. My neighbors can see in here while we're watching this movie!

L: Maybe they can learn something.

P: They are doing it on a hard desk, ouch!

L: Seriously... they look younger on the box cover.

P: It's called airbrush, babe. That player looks as red as a beet.

L: His mascara, I mean black eye, is sweating off.

We go further into the lunatic's mind for a priest scene.

L: These priests have some sexual frustration pent up. Under his robe, he has a two-toned penis.

P: It's the foreskin. I'm an expert. I like my men with a turtleneck!

L: The priest has a Tigger tattoo. They're both Latin.

P: Yeah, they're speaking in Latin tongues. This never happens in my church.

L: That one has sexy lips. He's got Jesus sandals. He's speaking in Spanish. What is he saying?

P: He said 'put it in hard.' Aren't you glad I am here to translate? This is sacrilegious, they're doing it on an altar. I'm too Christian for this video.

L: ( sings ) Say a little prayer, I'm down on my knees, I'm gonna take you there.

P: Madonna, you are not... did I tell you that I got 5th row tickets?

From one table being probed to another, we go back to the psycho's brain to get a sailor scene.

P: This is political porn, now the video is covering the 'don't ask, don't tell' controversy.

L: I don't like his veiny cock. He has curly red pubes.

P: He has clown hair.

L: He is peeing on the sailor at the end of the scene.

P: Get him a life preserver so he doesn't drown.

The basket case turns the tables finally and makes the doctors perform a leather scene for her.

L: The black guy has soul.

P: He's unleashing the dragon.

L: It looks more like an iguana to me.

P: A chameleon.

L: I don't understand leather. I like to be naked.

P: I like the smell, makes me feel macho.

L: Look at his cockring. It looks like my keychain.

P: The politically charged porn was an interesting concept.

L: I will give it a priest thumb up the butt. He was hot!

P: I agree. Raw 2 get two thumbs up!

Like controversy? Buy this film at www.allworldsvideo.com

If you want to guest review with Pubert from the booth, e-mail me at pubert@windycitymediagroup.com

Next week special guest, porn star Brad McGuire!