"What the Hell, He'll do it for I.M.L.!"
Call me Ray, dudes. And if you know my name, you'd might as well know that I'm the biggest, baddest Judas Priest fan there is, man! I mean, here's a pretty cool photo of me celebrating the J.P. World Tour at the Canton Cozmic Bowl in that Canton, Ohio ( not to be mistaken with Canton, China, man, 'cause I ain't no commie and I ain't no faggot, goddammit! ) . Yeah.
Anyway, I gotta share this unbefuckinglievable story about my Memorial Day weekend in Chicago. See, me and my grill buddies over at the Ribs "R" Us decided we wanted to see that awesome summer movie Pearl Harbor ( where the Chinese really get their asses kicked! ) at one of them huge big city theatres, so we hopped a Greyhound to Chitown, and about 96 hours later checked into the Y.M.C.A. downtown, man.
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With every single movie seat sold-out by the time we got to town, we figured that since we were already fucked we might as well get laid, and took a train to Wrigleyville, to try and nail one of those Bleacher Babes we always see on the TV. We chowed down a couple mystery burritos, man, and then Went For It: Unfortunately, we got busted sneaking a fifth of Early Times into the stadium, chugged it down in the parking lot, started puking our guts out and finally got arrested for disturbing the peace and vagrancy.
Right when things seemed at their worst, though, the cops slapped us around and let us go! But the whiskey apparently didn't, 'cause we all somehow got separated at the corner of Addison & Halsted, some of us ziggin' when they shoulda been zaggin', until I found myself in front of this bar called Cell Block, man. Well, that hot Judas Priest song "Breakin' The Law" no doubt came to mind, reinforced by what looked like hundreds and hundreds of these raunchy dudes all in leather head-to-toe just pawing on each other, guzzling beers and hanging out. Wondering what the fuck was up, I saw this big banner that said "I.M.L." and I suddenly put two-and-two together like a motherfucker: "International Metal Lovers!" and just went apefuckingshit for this wild 'n' outta control Metal Convention I didn't even know about. Fuck, that's me, Ray, always the last to know! Maybe I could bond with other Priest fans, dude! And maybe they'd even have a special "guest appearance" of some real life shit-kicking rockers I dug, like when those asshole actors playing Mr. Scott and Mr. Sulu and the Romulans and shit show up for those faggoty-assed Star Trek conventions … .
But get this, dudes: Instead of hearing tunes by Dio and Dokken and Eddie and Ozzie and Yngwie Fucking Malmsteen I heard all this techno and dance shit. What the fuck? So I asked this middle-aged stanky-assed bald-headed bushy-goateed rocker in leather boots, leather chaps, leather jacket, leather vest, leather armbands, leather cap and a zillion studs all over him the time of fucken day: "Yo, dude," I say, "what's up with this pansie music then, hey?"
Now I swear to god, dudes, when I got a good look at this hard-hitting, pipe-swinging, nail-chomping, ass-kicking leather rocker, he was an absolute dead ringer for Rob Halford, the ex-lead singer of my favorite metal band in the whole world, JUDAS PRIEST!!! Dudes! I Shit You Not!! And when he suddenly looked me straight in the eyes and said with a genuine sounding ( if slightly high pitched ) English accent: "I wanna suck yer cock" who was I to argue? I mean, it wasn't exactly like Madonna wanting to sit on my face or anything, or Sandra Bullock letting me fuck her in the Drive-Thru of the Ribs "R" Us, but anybody who looks just like that Rob Halford is fucken-A OK in my book, know what I'm saying? After all, sometimes it's as much fun to receive as it is to give, even if you wouldn't be caught dead giving a guy head, even if he was a dead ringer for Rob Halford: And a blow job's a blow job, right?
Now hold on a second, man! Before you go telling all your friends that I'm just another preeverted [ sic ] son-of-a-bitch, let me get to the awesome part of this story, okay? Get this: When he got up off his knees, I realized that this preeverted son-of-a-bitch WAS Rob Halford!!! Talk about "Stained Class"!
"Can I have your autograph, man?" I said excitedly.
"I just gave you one," he said.
Man, what a faggot … And I never even got to see Pearl Harbor.