Dear John Ashcroft,
As United States Attorney General, what do you think of my sexual problem? I feel I have the right to express my lesbian eroticism in a loving yet dignified manner. My girlfriend, however, wants me to to dress up like a fire fighter and satisfy her sleazy nether passions with my fire hose. Who is right?
I thought you would be the perfect person to ask, what with your heightened National Security measures, and all. I said to myself:
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"There's John Ashcroft. At his behest, an ever-growing list of 'terrorists' is being compiled, and a law just passed, authorizing virtually unlimited taps of telephones, cell phones, and e-mail, as well as secret searches of homes, offices, and computers. Mr. Ashcroft and his staff must spend hours and hours listening in on people...why, he must know all about MY LIFE! After all, I pose a serious threat to National Security, being one of the nation's most insecure people." I actually said that, Mr. Ashcroft.
I admit, I used to think you were a homophobic, far-right, anti-choice, Christ-obsessed, neo-Confederate gun-nut. But now that we're under siege, I'd like to thank you for being all those things. Also for tapping my phone and reading my e-mail. I mean, I'd be insulted if you didn't. As a lesbian, I feel I deserve a good tapping.
That reminds me, what do you think of my sexual problem? I mean...a FIRE hose? Couldn't somebody end up with a really bad infection? Hurry, Mr. Ashcroft. I need a man's opinion.
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
So. Now you know. I hope you don't think less of me because I'm five months behind on my car payments, or that I hung up on that woman from Fannie Mae. I'm sure any real American would have done the same. But enough about me.
What with the frenzy of months past, I haven't had time to congratulate you for being chosen U.S. Attorney General. That's quite a feat, especially after you recently lost the election for Missouri Senator. Of course, your opponent did die in a plane crash right before election day. And some people said that the voters were right to prefer a dead man to you. But they're just sore winners, Mr. Ashcroft. Everyone knows how hard it is to compete against the Dead. They cheat from beyond the grave. Not like all that above-board, real-life cheating in the Florida Presidential election.
Follow your dream, Mr. Ashcroft.
Oh, P.S. ... Could you please get rid of those annoying clicks and tape-recording sounds on my phone line? I don't pay good tax money to receive poor-quality surveillance.
Dear Mr. A,
I woke up today thinking, What is John Ashcroft having for breakfast? Is he happy? Who picks out his ties? Now that you've entered my life, I want to know all about you. But that's getting harder, Mr. A.
Here's a little paradox. The more monitored we are, the more we all tend to forget about you. Remember those news stories your opponents aired after you were nominated for Attorney General? That you accepted an honorary degree from Bob Jones University, saying "In America, we have no king but Jesus"? That you praised Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis in the Southern Partisan, a magazine which has defended slavery? That, as Missouri Attorney General, you opposed voluntary school desegregation?
Thankfully, the facts have evaporated, allowing you, after Sept. 11, to round up more than 1,100 people, mostly immigrants, without identifying or charging them, and hold them incommunicado, for months, now. Not only that, you've thrown several leftist prisoners, with the exact opposite politics to the Taliban, into the "hole," denying them contact with attorneys or religious counsel.
Who says you can't learn from Third World dictators? And the Democrats said you were going to be racist.
Peace out, John.
Yoo hoo, Mr. Law Man,
My girlfriend woke me up at 4 a.m. to ask me if I had anthrax. I think she's jealous of our relationship:
You investigating ME; ME worrying you'll discover those lace undies I threw in the trash because my girlfriend dyed them BLACK; Women in BLACK, which conducts vigils against violence in the Mideast, being a pacifist GROUP; thousands of GROUPS, including Women in Black, suspected of terrorism and being targeted by the FBI; the FBI threatening Women in Black that if they don't "talk," they'll be sent to PRISON; overcrowded PRISONS becoming even more crowded with people you've picked up and made into prisoners who hate your GUTS; your overwrought GUTS needing PEPTO-BISMAL; your PEPTO-BISMAL being tainted by a terrorist BACTERIA; the terrorist BACTERIA being found on my fire HOSE ...
The whole thing just makes me not want to be a lesbian any more.
I feel I could better serve my country by knitting you a winter cap. Perhaps with little American flags on the ear-flaps? Send me your head size, Law Man, the holidays are approaching!
Came home today to discover that my apartment had been searched and some of my computer discs were missing.
No one has ever cared about me like you do, John. You seem to see right through me. Not like my girlfriend. She just loves me for my fire hose.
But you need me, John, admit it. I've got names of known Quakers, see? Also lists of people in Greenpeace, the Democratic Farmer Labor Party, my girlfriend's therapy group ...
I'll be waiting, Mr. Ashcroft. By the telephone. You've got my number.