1 ) It's a fact: About 15 million more people shopped on the day after Thanksgiving than voted in the 2004 presidential election. I see candidates offering coupons in 2008.
2 ) Montezuma's revenge: A Wal-Mart has opened near Mexico's revered Teotihuacan pyramids. I'm waiting for a Moo & Oink to open near the Great Wall of China.
3 ) General question: Who makes more money - Anna Nicole Smith's therapist or Anna Nicole Smith's pharmacist?
4 ) Doom 3: I see how this scary video game got its name. Play it long enough and you're doomed to have stained underwear.
5 ) Hey, Kool-Aid: Wildlife experts at O'Hare hope that grape flavoring from Kool-Aid will cause birds to scatter. I'd rather have the mascot running around, saying "Oh yeah!"
6 ) A lot of bread: An online casino paid $28,000 for a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that supposedly has the image of the Virgin Mary. If anyone's interested, I have a bagel that looks like Judy Garland.
7 ) Cosmo: The magazine has men talking about having their balls fondled and doing it doggie-style. It makes Maxim look like Better Homes & Gardens.
8 ) Kid stuff: A private elementary school accidentally served alcoholic drinks to its children. It's a new day when your ABC's mean ale, brandy, and cognac.
9 ) Snake in the grass: Now there's a contest to decide Illinois's state reptile. This time, I'm gonna go with Alan Keyes.
10 ) What I've discovered: Do you remember those E.F. Hutton commercials when everyone stops what he's doing when the name was mentioned? The same thing happens on the El at rush hour if you say the words "gay" or "lesbian."
11 ) Shot to the heart: Hardee's new Thickburger has 1,420 calories and comes with two 1/3-pound slabs of beef, four bacon strips, three cheese slices, and mayo on a buttered bun. It also comes with its own cardiologist.
12 ) Amazing race: I got an e-mail from Abercrombie & Fitch telling me to get ready for something new. Like what - minority managers???
13 ) Rice, Rice baby: One headline that referred to the President nominating Condi Rice as Secretary of State read "Bush Taps Rice." Something about that wording just isn't right.
14 ) Jammed: The crackdown on Chicagoland towing companies is called Operation Tow Jam? Operation Tow Jam? Are Beavis & Butthead running this program?
15 ) Growing up: The lead actor in the Harry Potter series are now in their mid-teens. Pretty soon they'll be filming Harry Potter and the Invisible Condom.
16 ) Perspective: Students in London are protesting the increase of yearly college tuition fees to $5,000. If U.S. students had to pay that, every campus would look like a scene from Fame with all the non-stop dancing.
17 ) Seeing ahead: A clairvoyant caused the cancellation of a flight by claiming to see a bomb on board. If this psychic can see bombs, why didn't this person warn Ben Affleck about Surviving Christmas?
18 ) Thanksgiving: Turkey Day came and went - but was I really supposed to give thanks for the tofurkey?
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